Business Q & A
Difficult Conversations at Work
Difficult Conversations at Work
Interview with Robbie Miller Kaplan
author of
How to Say it When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times: Illness & Death
Check out her Website and Blog
We’ve all faced a situation at work that’s left us speechless. Your colleague’s baby is diagnosed with a life threatening illness or a client’s spouse is undergoing chemotherapy. It’s one thing to support a friend dealing with a difficult loss but harder to know what to say and do with relationships that lack intimacy. Robbie Miller Kaplan, author of “How to Say it When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times: Illness & Death,” shares strategies to help you deal with real-life situations.
Q;
How can you support a colleague that has experienced a painful loss? My
supervisor is really an acquaintance and her 25-year old daughter, an
only child, was just killed in a car accident. What can I say or do to
help her?
A: Loss is very
isolating so it’s important that you don’t stay away because that will
isolate her even further. Let her know how very sorry you are that this
has happened, either by note or in person. You can make a donation in
her daughter’s name, either to an organization that she has designated
or one that you think will have meaning. Leave a plant or flowers on her
desk with a note that you are thinking of her. Or, stop by her office
with coffee. It’s the little kindnesses that mean a lot and go a long
way in providing comfort.
Q;
What do you say and how can you help a colleague who has been diagnosed
with a difficult illness?
A: When you see
your colleague, say “It is so good to see you.” And then take your cues
from them. If they just smile or nod without comment, you can move on.
If they begin a conversation, follow their lead. If they are
recuperating at home, send a note or card that communicates your
thoughts: “I’m thinking of you and hoping for a speedy recovery.” Or, “I
hope today’s a good day and I’ll be seeing you soon.” If you’re
comfortable phoning, ask if you can bring a meal or arrange for others
to bring meals too. Or, offer to run an errand or stop by on Saturday to
visit. Depending on your relationship, frequent notes and cards, just
sending wishes for a sunny day, are always appreciated.
Q;
Are there things you should never say?
A: Avoid
stating “Call me if there is anything I can do.” Someone dealing with a
tough issue doesn’t have the energy to call you and ask. Instead, offer
something you are comfortable doing, something specific, such as: “Can I
get you anything from the grocery today” or, “I’d like to bring dinner.
Which day is best?” If you are not comfortable calling, ask a few
coworkers to contribute and send a joint gift – possibly a gift card to
a food outlet, a fruit basket, a plant, or flowers.
Q;
What can you do when a business contact dies?
A:
If you are in the same city or this was a
contact that you developed into a more meaningful relationship, you may
choose to attend the funeral. It would be appropriate and kind if you
wrote the family a condolence note. You can state how sorry you were to
hear of the death, that the individual was a consummate professional,
and you really enjoyed working with them. You can share a personal
anecdote or story that reflects the individual’s talents or personality.
Even if the family doesn’t acknowledge your note, they will appreciate
knowing that their loved one was well thought of in the workplace.
Q;
How can I communicate to co-workers that one of my staff members has
suffered a terrible loss?
A:
Ask your staff member if it’s okay to communicate their loss to other
office members. If they would like you to keep it confidential, honor
their request. If they would like you to communicate this information,
it might make it easier for them when they return to work not to
repetitively have to share their loss. You might inquire what else would
be helpful; is it okay to attend a funeral, visit at home, bring a
dinner, or help in another specific way. Let the staff member help you
do the right thing so it’s appropriate for them.